i love both you and the german language way too much
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Mittwoch, März 24, 2004
oh and by the way, irish dance rocked my socks. the woman is 78 and has been teaching since she was 14, in 1939. dang. and of course it was also really really fun.
11:25 PM
what's insulated like a thermos, enormous like a nalgene and a half, posessed of a flippy sippy top like a foam coffe cup, slightly barrell-shaped like a beer keg, handl-ed like a mug, and pink like the indoor track 2002 shirts?
...
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit's
...
BUBBA KEG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I bought it today at walmart for like 7 bucks. i'm considering making it my life. seriously, its SO COOL. i dont think you could possibly understand how excited i am. you know how devoted i can get to my water-vessels. it'll never replace my beloved nalgene *pets said nalgene to reassure it* (and i've actually done that several times tonight, no joke :P ) because, though really really spill-resistant it will leak if turned upside-down, so i could never carry it in a backpack or anything. but oh my word, i love it. 52 oz of tea!!!!!! think about that! it's like a melding of my f+m mug and mommy's thermos only its ENOURMOUS and pink. and ENOURMOUS (how in monkey-heck is that spelled? i've been spelling tuesday wrong for some time, btw). *sigh* *hugs bubba and her beautiful ruby-red nalgene at the same time, one in each arm*
11:18 PM
Dienstag, März 23, 2004
aaaaaaaaaand my birthday is a week from today. still no party plans. grrr.
6:33 PM
so exhausted on my run today i actually stopped and walked the last half mile home. i havent done that since the one run with conle freshman year, but i didnt just feel tired or sore or lazy, i felt....bad. i dunno. it made me decide that this recent binging/fasting/restricting period has gotten way out of hand. my official goal now is to get back (back? when was i last/ever there?) to normal eating. getting back to running is making me hate my body/self less, which should help, and i'll be able to pacify my obsessive/anorexic-leaning side counting protein, fiber, calcium, omega-3's and all that, making sure i'm getting a tip-top physically healthy, balanced diet. i'm excited. i dont remember clearly but i think this is how i eased into the relative sanity of cross country sophomore year, and other times when i've been pretty happy food-wise.
4:26 PM
Sonntag, März 21, 2004
you know who i love a lot? tricia. i love lots of other people a lot too, but right now i love tricia.
10:52 PM
my birthday is really soon. hadnt thought about it til i was driving erin home and i was remembering how i used to always have trouble remembering her birthday (daate withing june) and her street number, but knowing that they were the same number and then i was like, wait its march 20 and my birthday is in ten days. strange. i think i could use another year to be sixteen. hell, i could use a few more years to be six but whatevs. i'm older than i've ever been and now i'm even older :D
1:05 AM
Samstag, März 20, 2004
i hate going to bed without saying goodnight to anyone...it leaves me feeling like im the only person in the world, somehow, like everyone else is asleep or not real. i wanna be tucked in. i miss being tucked in by mommy. maybe i should start going to bed before she does again. i think having this and my away message in which to say goodnight to the world helps, like someone might actually read it and think 'goodnight, maggie' even if im already asleep by then. i dont know why it matters so much, but i just love/need to be put to bed. so goodnight, people-who-arent-here-now. i'll just pretend you're wishing me the same.
1:40 AM
so we're in blockbuster, and christina says she's been carrying this cd around wanting to share it/spread it to everybody because she loves it so much, and she wants to listen to it on the way back to erins. so she gives it to me, cuz i'm driving, and whaddya know it's the postal service, give up. amazing. made me so happy, both to have another person around who loves the album, and because we listened to it and it was like, 'why have i been wasting my time listening to any other music?' cuz it's been a few weeks since i took the cd out of my car. definitely going to have to put it back in. and i got to tell her to sing/play "nothing better" (that the right name? anyway, the really really good song with the male and female voices) to david rosen if he tries to be like 'i'm confused, dont think this is completely final, I'M A RIDICULOUS, MASSIVE TOOL.'
12:52 AM
Freitag, März 19, 2004
a quote from The Bell Jar (and by the way i love that book. kind of worrisome, though, because i am esther-at-the-beginning and i dont want to become esther-at-the-end): "the one thing i was good at was winning scholarships and prizes, and that era was coming to an end"
and the question becomes: if i'm not getting 'a's, logging miles, building a transcript, running myself ragged, what am i doing? the scary part is that i'm dead serious, at least in this moment. if my purpose in life isnt to get more 'a+'s than 'a-'s WHAT IS IT? i have no fucking idea. what else is there? there's my former goals in life: be of any kind of help to friends/people who need me, be happy/have fun, be perfect/get into college. but having fun is really only what you do because you're so perfect you can get into college in only 22 hours a day and you have some time off to unwind to enable further perfectness. and supporting people is only what you do so that they can get into college. so basically, whetehr or not i actually devoted a life's-goal's worth of time to it, my goal for the past really long time has been to acheive happiness through a really nice college transcript. and i knew that wasnt right. and i took that out of my life and my self as much as i could. but like...what's left? seriously, what am i about? hopefully i'll remember in a few hours. and if youre wondering how i can claim to have been pursuing perfection when i've always procrastinated like no other and when most of the time i've sworn that grades etc. werent important to me, i'll refer you to another quote from the bell jar: "i wondered why I couldn't go the whole way doing what I should any more. This made me sad and tired. Then I wondered why I couldn't go the whole way doing what I shouldn't, the way Doreen did, and this made me even sadder and more tired." damn i love that book. i know i've talked about that before...having two completely conflicting desires and not being able to just pick one and go with it but rather having to half-ass both ways. anyway. i feel really profoundly unhappy today. i want to either temporarily renounce veganism and binge on cadbury mini eggs (the damn british vegan mini eggs have been sold out by the time i thought to order them for the past two easters and i'm sick of it...), get into bed and refuse to eat or to move except maybe to watch 20/20, or drink water till i make myself cry. what i really SHOULD do is go for a run, but is slushy and disgusting outside, and its so hard tomake myself run when i'm depressed, even though i KNOW it'll make me feel better. one time i did feel like crying on a run. that was weird. what i'll probably end up doing is binging on cadbury mini eggs and THEN drinking water till i cry. only i'll hate myself twice as much if i eat milk-containing food. and mightn't it even make me sick? who'm i kidding i'm going to end up hating myself anyway. hmmm. i said i'd call erin back. that seems like a good place to start.
5:52 PM
ahhhh, when they make me hurt without even seeming to notice. not that it matters.
3:06 AM
Mittwoch, März 17, 2004
*sigh* music euphoria hasnt yet evaporated...*sigh* again. so nice to feel magically content. the concert was probably best for watching the people who were really into it, unlike my poser-john-mayer-fan self, cuz it reminded me of how i felt for tmbg at toads. damn that was fun. *sigh*. and the harmonica solo was gool. and the flute. and the guy whistling. and the drummer who played with his hands. all that was guster, except for the flute. i think guster should be my new favorite band. the lead singer was wearing a shirt that said 'everybody loves an irish boy', al told me. sosocute.
11:16 PM
i was watching some alfred hitchcock movie with dad today and i kept finding myself accidentally rooting for the murderer. it didnt help the vague sense of myself as evil i've been having all week...i guess it came from the realization that, at least under certain conditions, i love watching people fight (not like physical fighting, but intense and even i guess potentially damaging arguments). i think its just another manifestation of my constant need to understand people and patterns in their interactions and stuff, but i should be careful. dad and brian both think that fighting is perpetuated by those with a 'tolerance' for it, and i think i need to make sure not to be the trouble-starting little imp (or rather large imp i suppose) i've been feeling like. i'm always telling mommy how much i feel like pearl from the scarlet letter. i think i only act that way around her, though...i'm also pretty sure that i dont cause fights because of some perverse or sociological love of them, because i've long known that i like to try arguing as a way of reaching understanding between myself and someone else, and i know how to deal with that...id just never really noticed this thing about other people's fights. i wrote stuff down while the boys (and i?) were arguing thursday...somewhere between that odd recording-all-thoughts thing i do occasionally (not like its actually possible to record all of your thoughts, but...if you know what i mean you know what i mean) and blogging and letter-writing. i'll have to read that when i remember where it is.
2:16 AM
Mittwoch, März 10, 2004
...I can still remember how that music used to make me smile
1:39 AM
Sonntag, März 07, 2004
you know what i hate? recklessness. especially when others' physical/emotional/spiritual well-being is at stake. i think a lot of stuff that sucks would suck less if people were a little more careful.
11:23 PM
Freitag, März 05, 2004
I've been in a very non-writing kind of mood recently. dont know why. all is reasonably well, although erin and jenny will not be invited to my birthday party (cuz im having one. really. two, in fact, to prevent rollover presents. i can do it. stop laughing.). (sorry my stersters (woah that just came to me randomly...strange nearly-forgotten memories). i love you even if you VICIOUSLY SPURNED me tonight :p ) meep. yeah i dont feel like analysis or rambling or anything (*shrug*) so i'll go to bed. gute nacht, meine liebe kinder!
1:22 AM
Montag, März 01, 2004
dude that was weird. i signed onto the wln hoping to find my grades...i expected it to let me on because they're normally really slow about those things, and because i was able to sign onto the network in the workshop room last week (thursday, i think). So it let me sign on, and everything looked normal, there was whatever normally fills the main part of the screen, and a link at the top saying that i ahd three notes waiting, but the side bar with your classes on it said classes (0) and was blank. i looked around a little more, and it would let me send notes (though iguess only to teachers who've written to me), check my attendence record 9that thing never goes away), and look at my blank schedule and blank calendar. my y-drive hasn't been wiped either, which is friendly of them. i should see if there's anything on it i want... anyway, that was really really weird
1:03 PM
what's up with crying? why do we (humans) do it when we're sad/upset, and why do i personally do it all the freaking time? I'm starting to get used to it, though, which could be good or really bad. like, i was sitting in the diner today, having dinner with my parents and having a semi-heated conversation with my dad, and i had been crying for several minutes, in the middle of the diner, before i noticed. I think i noticed that my chest/neckline area was all 'blushing' and splotchy, but i didnt make the connection between that and the fact that i was crying. I mean, its nice to be able to have a discussion or argument without being preoccupied with the fact that im crying or trying not to cry or to stop crying, but like...if i get to the point where i don't even notice it i think it might have some negative consequences. like, its better to be aware of cryingness in public because its better to try to control/prevent it. i think we were making the waitress pretty uncomfortable, for example. i guess it was just cause i was with my family, but like...i want to stay aware of it, so i can try to keep from crying, so i know when i'm about to start and can launch my little 'i'm going to say this and i'm going to start crying but don't worry about it and dont think i'm very upset, even though i look it, because this is just a random problem i have and i cry all the time and i can't control it' speech or some variation on it before or while i say the push-me-over-the-edge phrase. if i get so adapted to minor crying i might not be able to warn (not quite the right word) people until i notice them react, and then i'll have missed my prime window. hmmm. i don't have a crying headache now, though, which is good. perhaps its because i was only much trying to control myself for maybe ten minutes...i dont know. i've often tried to figure out what causes/affects the crying headache, and i havent yet reached any conclusions.
in other updatey news, i have found my seam ripper
and the harvard-mit math tournament was fun (more so than expected) and deliciously weird. i felt strangely guilty when i realized that rei didnt know i'd left school. i think he found out during the trip, but i dont think i ever explicitly told him, and i still feel bad. not sure why. i really do appreciate rei and want the best for him, but its still difficult for me to hear about him or to be with him too much. having kelley there this weekend made it easier and less crazy-making, though, so it was good. i saw a they might be giants shirt and a 2003 cty staff shirt and played a lot of set, so i considered it a success. and i got a lot of nifty math problems to file away and mess around with later. and i got to talk to cam marantz about my school-leaving, which was good/helpful, i think...maybe because cam likes and hates a lot of the same things i've liked and hated about school, doesnt fall into the 'well it'll work for maggie; she's so self-motivated' trap because he knows im a procrastinator/slacker loser, isn't close to me, so he doesnt have to worry much about hurting my feelings or advising me and can talk about the problem more in a theoretical sense...i don't know. i usually just like discussing shit with cameron. maybe he represents some perspective i dont get elsewhere or something. i dont care right now.
there was a very little girl in boston, running along the sidewalk (chased by her mother) in a batman cape, swerving from side to side with her arms out sometimes, saying 'wheee' or some similar noise and laughing and being all joyful and carefree and batgirl. i so wanted to be her.
I also want to be the mother in the young families i see sometimes, with the mom and dad and one or two or three kids where they're all sitting together and theyre all connected and constantly touching, with the kids crawling over each other switching parents' laps and the parents holding hands or with their arms around each others shoulders behind the kid who's sitting between them, and the whole bunch one unit, the family-ness flowing from one to the next to the next. i love watching that kind of family at that kind of moment. i want to do that some day.
sorry to post so long- and multiparted-ly. you can hate me for it if you want, but hate is such a self-destructive emotion that i'd try not to were i you.
12:51 AM
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